Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
