Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm too high and old for this...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
