I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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