I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
