my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
