I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
