I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
