My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
