If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair