Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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