I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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