I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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