Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
