how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
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