It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
50% drunk capacity currently
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Help. Why am I so naked?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
