apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
