Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
