Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
