so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
