nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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