I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
