I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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