You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
