I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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