he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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