you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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