I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
