his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
