I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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