I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
