Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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