I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
