Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
