my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
