Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
