peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
