when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dating After Heartbreak
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.