So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
