I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
