apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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