no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
