I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Houston, we have a squirter
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
