I faked an abortion last night.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
