Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
