I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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