Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Hippo gnu deer
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
