I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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