I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
This is the prime rib incident all over again
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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