I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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