I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
