I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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