chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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