I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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