Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
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My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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