party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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