Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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