I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
